GrandmaSusie.net

"Annie"

My spitfire of a hospice patient, Annie, passed this morning.  I can’t believe that I will never again sit in a comfy recliner across from her (in her comfy recliner) discussing life. Ninety-four and mentally sharp to the end, Annie is now free from the physical limitations that couldn’t keep pace with her mind. As of 9:15 AM this morning, Annie is no longer worrying about who will care for her, whether her money will hold out, or who will get her stuff when she is gone.  Annie passed in her own home –  her greatest wish.

Annie questioned the events of her life until the end. She died wondering why people had abandoned her, used her, or abused her.  More than her-fair-share of tragedy conditioned Annie to live for the moment and distrust the motives of those around her. Perhaps that is why Annie threw herself a beautiful and festive farewell party in September (with a lot of help from her friends). She said that she didn’t want to miss the celebration of her life . . . or probably trust anyone else with the details.  It was a gala affair!

Annie had a spirit that could not be squelched.  Despite her weakening body, Annie still tried to enjoy life through a lunch out, a shopping trip, or even a visit to the dentist – ANYTHING that would get her out of her apartment. A month ago, she pushed her caregiver to take her shopping for a new winter coat! Two weeks ago, I took her to a Christmas party.  A fighter and always optimistic, Annie never gave up on living a life.

Thank you for being my friend, Annie. I hope that heaven has blue crab and great margaritas! I will miss you.

Verbena and her new baby brother, Dixon.

On December 20th, Verbena officially became a big sister. Dixon Joseph joined the family at 9.12 pounds, 21 inches long. When he is not sleeping, Dixon calmly looks around, assessing his new environment, with a piercing focus. He doesn’t flinch a bit when his whirlwind sister runs up to tickle his chin, kiss his cheek, or grab a quick hug.  He’s a strong little guy and mostly silent, except when he wants to eat or burp.  His parents hope this demeanor hangs around for a while.

Papa and I cared for Verbena while mommy and daddy welcomed Dixon at the hospital.  When we told 27 month-old Bean that she had a new brother, she cupped her hands in front of her mouth, got wide-eyed, and squealed with excitement.  A couple hours later, all dressed up, Verbena met the little guy that was going to change her life for the better.  Dixon has a big job . . . he will help Bean learn that everyone is important in teeny-tiny, fairly-painless increments through the sharing, caring, and loving that comes with being a sibling. The good news for Verbena is that she has one more person in her life who thinks she is important too.

God bless this little family.

Here are a few photos from our Thanksgiving weekend. Very grateful that everyone made the trip to Nana and Papa’s.

Verbena made turkey name cards for the table.

Soooo pretty!

Uncle Andy and Verbena practicing for the dinner-time photo.

Finally time to eat.

Mommy-to-be, Emily, relaxing after dinner.

Momma Biz also relaxing.

Verbena and her Papa.

Verbena and her Dada.

Emily and Andy.

Biz, Austin, Verbena, and Otis-the-dog.

My favorite outtake of our family photo.

Sweet dough, pecan pie, and cranberry relish.

Bill found flowers and greens in the yard.

Table set.

Cinnamon rolls ready for breakfast.

Waiting for our kids to arrive.

Look organized, don’t we?  I’m shocked we pulled it off.  We’ve had our mishaps . . . and a few intense conversations. For the last three days it’s been all about Thanksgiving and we feel ready. Of course, there were two of us working on it this year.  Waiting for Verbena to get up, so the fun can begin!  Happy Thanksgiving to all!

Turkey and tofurky thawing.

Donated to Goodwill.

Cleaned up.

Another brandy and egg nog toast.

So far, the brandy and egg nog toasts are the favorite part of the day Visited with my hospice patient today and met with an old treasured friend. A bit more cleaning to do and lots of cooking planned for tomorrow. Grateful for Bill’s help.  Can’t wait for family to arrive . . . even if we aren’t ready.

Menu planning.

Bentley visits the groomer.

Hitting the grocery store!

Shopping complete!

Retrieving our Camry from the mechanics. Bill broke down right in front of the dealership while I was out of town.

Bentley is ready for some turkey!

Toasting day's end and preparation progress with brandy and egg nog!

I’ve been out of town for almost a month. Woke up this morning freaked that I couldn’t make Thanksgiving happen for my family by Thursday. Decided to invite my old friend “Humor” to help with preparations. Met the nicest people today.  As we attempted to take our own picture in front of the grocery store, a helpful lady offered to do it for us.  WinCo was super busy! It cracks me up that you can’t see a car or another patron in that picture. Relying on “Humor” to get us through day two, as well.

Robert Frost (1874~1963)

This is the last story from my writing class.  The prompt this week was, “But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.” A line from Robert Frost’s poem, Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening.

A promise is a sacred pledge that something will certainly happen or be done. I keep promises I make to others, but I often break the ones I make to myself. I would like to “go to sleep” having kept of good chunk of the promises I made to me. Perhaps writing them down will help . . .

I promise to floss everyday, no matter how late I am

I promise to have animal fat for breakfast only occasionally

I promise to always be reading a good book

I promise to give myself a daily time to reflect and pray

I promise to take mini-vacations (walk, movie, read a magazine, tea, etc.)

I promise to eat a smaller portion of food than my husband eats

I promise to have a glass of wine with dinner

I promise to spend part of each day in some physical activity

I promise to not compare myself to every beauty I pass

I promise to faithfully take vitamins and medications

I promise to explore more of nature around the region where I live

I promise to think long and hard before I speak about others

I promise to not overbook my time

I promise to attend more musical and theatrical performances

I promise to redecorate one room of my house at a time until it’s complete

I promise to put all my photos in boxes neatly and call it good

I promise to listen more intently when others are speaking

I promise to be kindly honest when I don’t agree with what I’m hearing

I promise to speak less at meetings

I promise to indulge in my passion of cleaning out and organizing

I promise to play more with my dog

I promise to diffuse my jealousy by giving compliments

I promise to watch more sunrises and sunsets

I promise to listen to music more at home

I promise to hang photos and wall art in my upstairs hall

I promise to travel to new states and lands

I promise to take cooking classes frequently

I promise to bake for my husband once in a while

I promise to laugh at myself and with others habitually

I promise to keep writing

(Our writing class is talking about becoming a writer’s group.  We hope to start meeting in January.  Thank you to all who have spent some time with me these last seven weeks.)

One of Annie's bears.

Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of something before you realize all that it is going to require of you. When this happens you can bail, do a partial job, or commit to the project. In February 2011, I became a hospice volunteer. I wanted to help patients write letters, thinking they would have very poignant thoughts to share at the end of life. My sister, a hospice nurse in New England, inspired the idea. When I approached the volunteer coordinators for Hospice, they asked if I would be willing to also help patients write about their lives. I agreed to give it a try.

I began working at Hospice House on Thursday afternoons. I knew that I had lots to learn and this was a great way to get experience in palliative care. I do whatever the nurses need me to do like make coffee and milkshakes (big), cook, do laundry, wash dishes etc. I interact with families and I also get to interact with patients, which was awkward at first, but eventually I relaxed. No writing needs surfaced until April, when two opportunities presented themselves simultaneously. One gentleman passed before we could get started, but another patient, “Annie’” was eager to share her story and thus we began.

In preparation, I researched hospice organizations and life-story writing around the United States via the Internet. Some hospice organizations simply record the patient talking about their life and then copy the recording onto a disc to give to families.  Hospice gave me a digital recorder, but it was quite old and audio quality was terrible. I decided to try to take notes on my computer, while the patient was talking, and then I would mesh my notes into a story. With no experience and no mentor, I dove into the project. For the past six months, Annie and her stories have been my labor of love.

Annie is a character. When we first met, she said that she had always wanted to write a book about her life, but she never got around to it. She even had a title for it, “Why me?” I explained to Annie that I wasn’t a book writer, but I would be glad to record details of her life, and when we finished, she could use them as she wished. I began visiting with her every Tuesday afternoon. I could see that talking about her life was helpful and enjoyable to her, and her social worker confirmed this. I’ve got about 16 pages that I’ve attempted to put in chronological order – an impossible task. Annie is 94 and very sharp, but she doesn’t always remember accurately, so proper order gets perplexing. Sometimes when I visit, we don’t work on her story, we just talk about the news or what’s on her mind at the moment.

I want to do my best for Annie by giving her a finished story someday, but I’m beginning to doubt that will happen. Annie still talks about writing her book, even though I’ve reminded her a few times that I’m not doing that. I’ve promised to visit her even if we aren’t working on her story and I’ve encouraged her to find someone that would really write a book for her, but she makes no attempt to end this charade that we have going on. It’s confusing for me and a bit stressful, but I suspect it makes her feel important to tell her friends that she is working on a book about her life.

In August, the charade got even more interesting when Annie told me that her friends encouraged her to write stories about her stuffed animals. Annie loves her collection of stuffed toys, and she makes up cute stories about them. Annie has great phrasing and tells stories with old-fashioned wording that makes them entertaining. So, one Tuesday in August, instead of feeling confused and stressed about the life story that wasn’t getting finished, I got to feel confused and stressed about what was I supposed to do with the two bear stories Annie had just told me. I told her that getting books published was a big job that required a lot of time. She wasn’t concerned about that, her plan was to take the stories to Barnes and Noble or the Hallmark store and get them to do it.

Annie is a master at getting people to do things for her. With no children of her own, no family in town, and only one living sister on the opposite side of the country, Annie is truly alone in the world. That single fact endears her to you. Annie cannot take care of herself, but she’s gathered a network of friends who keep her afloat. She’s a very cute old lady who calls you “darlin” and tells you she loves you and you can’t bear to break her heart. What was I going to do about these bear stories?

I decided to put together a storybook through Shutterfly, an Internet company that publishes photo books. I’d never done this, but Shutterfly is very user-friendly. A few Tuesdays were spent collecting photos related to the story, but I had to wait about a month to get one final picture of Annie’s friends, which she mentions in her tale. I completed the book and it should arrive next week. She knows her book is coming and I’ve explained that it is something I’ve made just for her. Yet, last week, she asked me where her friends could go for copies. Ugh!

Who knows what I’ll be working on next. It’s an experience of a lifetime! I am committed to Annie and her projects . . . whatever they are. If you want a copy of “Once Upon A Christmas,” I’ll need $40 and an address.

Love you, Annie!

Money isn’t everything, but it can become everything if you don’t respect it. As a child, the dollars I received as gifts became clothes, toys, or electric devices (no electronics then). From high school on, I always had a job – cleaning a neighbor’s house, babysitting, working in the office of a meatpacking plant, phone sales for magazines, and errand girl for an insurance company. I don’t remember what those paychecks were used for. When I got my first adult job with a decent pay, I remember telling people “I don’t mind working and I love the allowance they give me.” Allowance? That word alone says how financially immature I was. Money is a green monster that cannot be ignored, and that’s the good news.

It’s good news because when you are not handling money sensibly, you are forced to deal with it and, therein, lies an opportunity to change. At age twenty-three, I lived from paycheck to paycheck, I had never balanced my checking account, and I had no savings. I had to confess to my new husband that I had $5 in my wallet, when we left on our honeymoon (he wasn’t surprised – he knew who he was marrying). I was very happy to turn over the whole checkbook management and financial decision making to him. I was proud of one financial fact about myself at this stage, I couldn’t manage money but at least I knew it.

Financial Education – Phase I: Observing. My husband, Bill, set up a savings plan and insisted we do our best to live off one income, as we planned to have children someday. We stuck to the budget he worked out for three years, and I saw that money planning did work. I was happy, in an ignorant sort of way, seeing my finances managed better. Shortly thereafter, a new equation disrupted my complacency. A new house + one wage earner = a tighter budget. I entered most of the entries in our checkbook because I paid bills and did the shopping. Bill tried balancing the thing, but this practice invariably ruined part of a day. Apparently, I couldn’t add or subtract accurately. Bill didn’t enjoy fixing my mess and tossed checkbook management to me. It was a brave move. He hoped to eliminate the monthly marital discord not attached to my feminine cycle. I was forced to face my nemesis.

Financial Education – Phase II: Managing a checkbook. I hated it but I also hated the frustrating balancing sessions every month, so I persevered. I became personal friends with a lady at the bank and visited her several times until I got it. She explained the process in a more female-friendly way. I brought my files down to her and she patiently went over what I was doing and offered suggestions on how to make it easier. After about four or five months, I achieved success. I wouldn’t let a two-cent discrepancy go unresolved; I became a fanatic. I felt empowered! However, knowing how much money you have is not the same as knowing the best way to use the money you have.

Financial Education – Phase III: Budget planning. Two kids and increasing expenses, still on one income, made me realize that I had to change my spending, or I was never going to get a new couch or save for our girls’ education. A financial workbook became my new bible. I recorded every single penny we spent for one month. Once I knew where the money was going, I could see where changes needed to be made. The workbook factored in maintenance on our home and vehicles, and even saving for vacations. I’ll never forget one story the author shared. He was counseling a couple through their financial crisis when he told them they had to put $100 away every month for their family vacations. Both husband and wife were aghast at that amount and declared they couldn’t afford it. The counselor told them they were correct, they couldn’t afford it, but they charged that amount on their credit card for a vacation every year. I would plan ahead where I could. One of the most fun tools was making menus. I grocery shopped every two weeks (without my girls) and couldn’t believe the amount of money I saved. My twenty-something self would not have recognized the new me.

Financial Education – Phase IV: Paying my fair share. When a former spendaholic becomes a budget-planning fiend, it’s easy to be concerned about every penny spent, but this can make a person a bit selfish, and it’s never good to be selfish. If you’ve ever ordered an inexpensive meal and then been forced to split the bill with people who had a meal, a dessert, and a cocktail, you know what I’m talking about. I had to learn that my newly-found frugality should not cost others. Money management is complicated and it’s not just about the numbers. True financial joy and peace requires balance and proper perspective, which brings me very nicely to the next lesson.

Financial Education – Phase V: Investing in people. My husband is a frugal person, but money is not the most important thing to him. The guy that won’t pay $4 for a beer with lunch, donates to charities easily. I knew that helping others was the right thing to do, but I had to learn to give more. People in need are a very good investment.  In our early days of raising children, family vacations were an expense I would have preferred to avoid, but Bill insisted we take three or four small trips every year. Priceless memories are a very good investment.  Bill put off basic perks while paying for meandering educations, including my own. He had no problem dedicating finances to our oldest daughter when she applied to an out-of-state graduate school, or to our youngest, when she changed to a private college because it was a better fit. Knowledge is a very good investment!  Bill fully supported our girls’ wedding dreams. Opposite of the couple in the movie, Father of the Bride, I paid for expenses begrudgingly. On the day of both events, I felt extremely grateful we could give family and friends some good food, good drink, and good music. Those celebrations were a very good investment.

Maybe money IS everything, because the way you spend it does say a lot about your core, your heart. I’m grateful for my husband’s patience over the years and his heart has taught me much. There will be a Phase VI, Bill is leaving his full-time job to pursue part-time work next month. I hope this phase is fun and doesn’t send me to financial planning sessions just to get the free meal.

Life Story Writing Class

Mommy helping Verbena blow out candles at her second birthday party.

I became a grandmother two years ago today, when Verbena Sue burst into the open air to meet the family that would adore her.  I had loved being a mom and couldn’t wait to relive those joys as a grandmother. Specifically, I looked forward to creating a memory bank for Bean, a history of loving, that I hoped would be bubble-wrap for her when life got tough down the road. Creating rose-colored memories is great fun, but sometimes things can go awry.

Such was the case last Christmas, when this grandma-on-overdrive decided to start a new tradition, stolen from a friend.  The youngest member of the family (in our case eighteen-month-old Verbena) would place baby Jesus in the manger on Christmas Eve, after leading the family around the house in a small procession. . . while singing Christmas carols.  My dear friend’s family had done this for many years, and all six of her children are caring, happy, well-adjusted professionals.  I just knew this would be great for Verbena, and got the family to give it a try.

The result was spectacular!  We only sang about three words of the song before Verbena threw baby Jesus on the floor causing his arm to break off. Everyone looked at Jesus on the floor, then everyone looked at me.  I didn’t know what to do, so grandpa picked up the baby and glued him back together. Someone eventually placed the baby in the manger, but I can’t remember who.  We gave Verbena some milk and put her to bed, and the adults had wine, while thanking God that this tradition was over.

Grandmas are wiser, but they still have things to learn.  Now, every Christmas when I look at that finely glued line in Jesus’ arm, I’ll be reminded to let life happen in a more natural way.  And someday, when Bean is old enough to understand, I’ll share this story with her and I’ll be sure to let her know that mistakes, even little ones, are often the best way to learn things.

Happy Birthday, Verbena!